I am the fussiest diary-buyer imaginable - I need a page per day in order to waffle appointments and details to myself with enough space, and it needs to be pretty enough for me to want to look at it every single day for a year; it essentially needs to be an all-round symbol of promise that the year will be full of general brilliance, a gift from myself to myself, if you like... so for the second year in a row, in my despair at shop-ready crap, I bought a plain silver diary, stuck a postcard on the front and covered it with that sticky cellophane stuff that makes your handiwork look polished, as though it was meant to be there. 2011's front cover is a faded French, vintage-style card from a little shop in Oxford, with a shimmery impression of the Tour Eiffel and Bonne Année written across the top. Last year was a patchwork postcard from The Poetry Society. Yes, I'm a geek, and if my modelling/writing falls through, I will go into diary designing.
As a writer, I am also naturally a stationery-related organisation-fantasist, open to any opportunity to make lists, so I embraced this chance to get out a pen and paper and fashion myself a pie chart. Yes, the great pie chart of life. My thinking is this: life is what you make it ('We make ourselves up as we go' - I have this, one of my favourite quotes ever, on my wall referenced as being the words of 'Kate Green', though I'm not entirely sure which Kate Green it is...) and in order to live your life with optimal happiness/fulfilment, each of its components must be in balance. Obviously really. So, I wrote out all the aspects of life that are important to me, figuratively chewed my pen for a while, and came up with these little gems of wisdom to flaunt at my future, 2011, self:
Health
- Go to bed earlier; wake up earlier. I am currently crap at this, not due to laziness, but to late-night distraction. When I'm not having a modelling day, it's a writing day, and writing days involve mornings as I'm currently working on fiction. (When I was focussing on poetry, my brain was adamant that writing was an evening gig). If I sleep in at all and get less writing done that I could have, I am immediately filled with an insiduous sense of self-loathing which develops all afternoon, and which often goes unidentified, expressing itself in snappiness and irritation at the world-at-large until I try to appease it by writing in the afternoon, thus not getting my afternoon-stuff done. (Note to self: I am identifying it now - writing must be done successfully in the mornings or I will be a grump).
- Exercise every day. I'm actually good at this already and I've always enjoyed it. When I became self employed, my schedule necessarily became quite erratic, meaning I really struggled to maintain the classes I used to thrive on, so I've learnt to take things into my own hands and do things on my own time. Exercise DVDs, long walkies with the dog and (despite what I've just said) bellydance classes, which for me don't really go under the category of 'exercise' even though it very much is exercise. The idea of going to a gym bores me silly; I would feel like a hamster. Much better to tell myself 'I'm going to go outside for some fresh air' or 'I'm going to see my bellydance friends' and feel the buzz (and hopefully fit, toned body and mind) that follows!
- More fruit and veg. I'm a healthy eater, have been a vegetarian since I was 8 and LOVE cooking, but there's always room for improvement!
Friendships
- Make dates. My friends and I are all very busy people, and we mostly live in different cities (even countries) these days, so organising get togethers is always a mammoth task! I have one friend in particular who usually takes it upon herself to rally us all into being in the same place at the same time, but it strikes me (belatedly?) that it's unfair on her to always be the one to have to play this role. Friendships are important and precious. This is my reminder to put the effort in and do my part in maintaining them!
- Make phonecalls. As above. Facebook is too easy, and not enough.
Family
- Accept and Appreciate. Enough said, probably.
Romance
(Hhhmm, I actually drew a blank on this, though recent events would explain why I'm feeling more introspective than usual. I'm recently single again after ending a six-and-a-half year long relationship. I think I'll focus on everything but this for a while.) :-)
Work
- Don't just check emails; process them. Linked to my brain's inbuilt morning/evening dichotomy, mentioned above, if I read an email in the morning, when my brain is in its floaty, creative mode, there's a high chance I won't actually take it in. It's as though I'm just being nosy about myself; seeing who's emailed and what they want, in a detached sort of way. If I read an email in the afternoon, when my 'professional', externally-communicative hat is on, all is good and things get done/organised. Therefore, there is clearly no point in me checking emails in the mornings, generally speaking; therefore, emails must be processed in the afternoons. Done.
- Write and finish The Disintegration of Esther Wolf. This is my second novel, which I've just finished plotting. It'll be my major project for next year. Tres exciting!
- Fill in my accounts spreadsheet every time I receive a bank statement. So boring I slightly want to die at the thought, but necessary.
Play, Creativity and Inspiration
- It's OK to be silly. Why not?
- Watch films. I don't watch enough, even though I love them. Good films inspire me in so many ways; writing-wise and modelling-wise.
- Dance. I seriously don't need a resolution to tell me to do this, but in the interests of a comprehensive list...
- Keep writing poetry and sending off for publication. Poetry is under 'play' because it is playing with words, and because I'm not allowed to tell my brain that it's work, because it isn't (and because it's very typical of me to try to focus properly on too many things at once). I specialised in poetry during my MA, and have had quite a few poems published already, but there's room for ambition within play; one day, maybe when I'm older, I hope to publish a collection or nine.
Adventure
- Try something new. You should do something each day that scares you. It's character building (and fun).
- Travel. Big and small; I want it more than ever.
Skills
- Play the piano regularly again. I dreamt the other night of my old piano teacher and a multi-coloured piano (in hindsight it would have been hideous, but in the dream it was fantastical.) For God's sake woman, my self is saying to myself; you need to make music again. I did grade 8 at school, so it was always a major passion of mine and I miss it desperately. When I went to uni for 3 years, without a piano, I think I suffered for it and my piano playing has dwindled, which is sad. I'm now a bit rusty, but I would really like to see if I can get hold of my old teacher and organise some lessons again to get my mojo back. There's one piece in particular I'd love to be able to play; I know I could teach myself easily, but I think I'd find it motivating to have someone work on it with me.
- Practise my French and German. Yep. I would love to be bi-lingual like my Dad. My French is better than my German though, so I might concentrate on that. Especially if it involves travel... I've always thought I'd like to live in Paris for a while. In the meantime I seem to have a collection of French clocks.
Peace
This category is basically a lot of 'mantras' or phrases to remember, as is some of the above. I'm not the type of person to chant 'Om' (outside of a yoga class), but I'm going to try these out. I see them as gentle reminders rather than shoulda-woulda-couldas, to nudge me in the right direction if I'm feeling a bit unsure.
- Let go, Let God. I copied this from somewhere, can't remember where. The idea is that things happen for a reason, and that there's a higher plan, so there's no need to worry about the future.
- Find solutions. Even just for the little things. If I want music to play while I'm in the bath, I'm going to need to get a music player for in there. If I don't want to have to read the emails, I'm going to unsubscribe from the mailing list. Etc.
- Serve and Give. I've had a monthly direct debit going out to Oxfam for as long as I can remember, and I donated the profits from a shoot a few weeks ago to the Salvation Army. I generally think I'm a very compassionate person, but if I don't make sure I look after the people around me, it's hypocritical and neglectful, quite frankly. Money/success/achievements are nothing when you're on your death bed - all I'm going to care about is whether I've made someone's life better. Obvious really, but the obvious things are the first to be forgotten when you're stressed out. I think it starts with the little things, including (perhaps especially) when it's to do with your friends and family. I might also look into doing some literacy-based volunteering.
- ...There are a few more, but they're too personal to write here. :-)
God
- Investigate. My first degree was in Philosophy (and English), and I've always had a huge interest in theologies and ideologies. I worked with one photographer who casually mentioned he was a Christian and we had some really interesting conversations that I think made a few things clear in my mind. I want to learn more, and develop what I believe, and find a confidence in it. I've read a lot of books on the subject recently and am tempted to do an 'Alpha course' or something similar at some point. I would be the annoying one asking questions every third word (I'm not a skeptic at all, but I tend to want to question the assumptions behind everything; then again, chances are they'd love that and if I could get things to click I'd be happy).
- Keep Sundays special. You don't have to be religious to love Sundays. I like the idea that Sundays should be different from other days; it was always a bit of a family day for us when I was growing up. Sundays for me mean relaxation, baths and walks in the coun'ryside! (unless I'm modelling!)
*THE END* :-)
I will post some new photos up very soon..! In the meantime, here's the chief mistress of walkies for your visual pleasure:
